What did my parents say about my tattoos? - my attempt to build an relationship with my tattooed self

My a-ma (mom) really hates some of the tattoos I got throughout my career. When she first saw me with my tattoos at the airport, one of the first things she said was, "What did you DO?" She thought that I had ruined myself and my a-ba (dad) also cheered her on. I was eventually convinced that the Chloe/Xi without these tattoos would be better. I had always taken pride in being a trophy child that makes my parents proud and happy. To have them feel irritated, disappointed, or just simply annoyed at the sight of my tattoos was a hard pill to swallow. In fact, it was too hard. I wanted them on my team again so I could feel assured that they were still proud of me. But I know that I cannot change their mind. So I thought I would better be on their team. Each time my a-ma told me that she felt regretful on my behalf, bit by bit, I started to reject the version of myself who was so excited to get those tattoos. Slowly, my stories started to change: I went from, "Oh, I really would love to wear this piece because it represented a part of me. The artist is super cool and I really enjoyed my time with them," to, "Oh, I was just really wanting to support the artist and was blindsided by that," to, "Oh, I got carried away by the artist and their work and regretted my decision immensely". 

Shortly after my "new story" took root, I found a tattoo removal person in China and tried to get my tattoos removed. Because they dislike so many of my tattoos, removing them all would require an entire skin graft. So we decided I would start by removing one piece that I got when I was in a perpetual depressive episode and needed that part of me to be seen. I went for three extremely painful removal sessions and now I have a giant scar on my ankle and a half-removed tattoo. It's bumpy when I touch it. I cried often at the sight of my own half-removed tattoo. I knew I had betrayed myself then and it was too late to return to the Chloe that my parents approved of. There is a part of me that holds a grudge towards both the version of me that first got this tattoo and the version that listened to my parents because each one defies the other. One brought me to the difficult situation of my parents' disapproval and the other rejected a very real piece of me. But they are both me and I was just at a fork in the road. 

All things aside, I do love my parents very much and truly enjoy their presence. It's really hard to navigate the development of my identity throughout my growth. like...literal growth going from an infant to a full-on human adult.

"Would it be better if I hadn't removed it?" one might ask, or "would it be so much better if I hadn't even gotten this tattoo?" I really can't tell you because so many versions of me have lived and died just for me to be here. To name a few, there was this Chloe who was so excited to become a tattoo artist; she got her first tattoo, a giant back piece, just to announce: now Chloe is a real tattoo artist, big-eye-bushy-tailed nonetheless, and she is really here. And there was the other Chloe, in so much pain every day just to get up and live through a day, who got an ankle piece that says "THE END" because she wanted this pain to end so she could live her life and most importantly, so she could look back and say that she had survived the "Chloes" that had wanted to end this timeline. Each of them meant so much and made her decision with all the influence and values she had at that time. All of these versions of me led me to be here. 

I know that I will always be my parents' child. But I also know that they can never truly be me and I can never truly be them. No matter how much we empathize with each other, there is an eternal limit to our perceptions based on our lived experiences. There are thoughts and desires in me that my parents will never understand. This limit isn't a fault, not at all. It is the very edge of someone's world, like the skin, separating one human being from another. For me, I think the real fault manifests when I started to reject parts of myself so I could become a presumably more loved version of myself. And when that version isn't loved, I am only left with resentment.

Over the years, things certainly change and I come to value different things. The frustrating part is that my preferences have no clear pattern. Trying to control them is like trying to control the tides. I have done it so much that I know I would end up drowning. All I can do is learn how to surf. And my surf board has to be something solid to me, like my northern light. Everyone's northern light is different and can even change over time. But the change itself does not make what I used to hold dearly invaluable. I have always hated statements along the lines of "I really didn't know what I was thinking back then. I would never do something like that now." It is truly unfair to judge a version of oneself in the past from the vantage point of the now. Without the version in the past, the version of now would have never existed.

Tattoos are like the bodies we have. Once we have one, all that remains is our relationship with it. This relationship is managed by one's mind and spirit. The body, mind, and spirt ground each other. But when the closed circuit is infiltrated and breaks, the mind must ground itself in something solid and true. And my solid foundation in life and in my art is the authenticity of a profound truth felt so immensely in the moment it is claimed.

I understand that I have shared a lot in this text and much of it seems unrelated to tattooing. However, based on the philosophy behind my art, all of this matters immensely. Tattoos or images are just manifested desires, thoughts, or truths. And when desires, thoughts, and truths change, there HAS to be something that can bring the person back to the eternal state of their being when the tattoo became one with them. 

I believe that if we lack this eternal state within us, there will always be regrets, resentment, and countless wavering of the mind because there will always be what-ifs and other opinions.